Ok I’ve got a real problem here.  An ex boyfriend of mine from 16 years ago is haunting my dreams.  Now he has always been in my dreams for many years now, but lately he’s been in them a BUNCH, I mean several times a week.  They are good dreams, i awake feeling really good.  I just have no idea what it means that he’s hanging out in my dreams.  Our breakup was not a good one, he was cheating on me.  I have no hard feelings about that now, back then I did but now I don’t.  We really don’t talk in the dreams but whenever I turn around he’s there.  Sometimes I’m looking for him, sometimes he’s walking to me.  Does anyone do dream interpratations?  I guess I’ll have to look at my cards….

Well there are some red flags going on in my relationship that I really need to sit down and look at.  I’m the one waving the flags…It is me that’s the problem.  There is something missing in my relationship and I really don’t know what it is. I say there is something because I’ve started to look at other men…I’ve started to dream about being with other men.  Now I would NEVER cheat, but it makes me wonder what is missing.  I’m also getting annoyed at every little thing the man does.  I mean he breathes and I want to smack him.  Now he is a good man, really he is.  He does do a lot for me, but it’s not the stuff I need done.  I need the yard taken care of, I have weeds everywhere.  I have round up that has not been sprayed…. I need him to take the laundry upstiars for me because it hurts my back….. I need for things to get done with out asking….I need to be spoken to as an equal, not as a little kid.  I may know a lot about many different things, but I don’t know about plumbing.  I ask questions and I get snotty answers.  I  do not need you telling me how to work out,  you need to do your own work out program and I will do what works for me.  He has not tried to touch me in a sexual way in months.  I have to beg or plead or guilt to get any.  Now that really makes me feel loved.  I know it’s been hard on him being out of work, but guess what, suck it up.  I should not have to come home to nothing being done all day while you are home.  Do freaking something.  I need a vacation from everyone right now…. I really need to be all alone but I can’t get that.  I have no one to watch the boy so I can have my time….. Oh well shit happens

Well Mark

This week was your birthday.  You would have been 55 and I’m still pissed you are gone.  I have many dreams about you, they always seem to be at a funeral home.  What I mean is I’m at the funeral home and you are sitting next to me plain as day like you are alive.  In one of the dreams some offical lady was looking for you, so you were sitting next to me going “hey lady I’m right here, everything is fine, now leave me the F alone”. LOL  So I’m not sure if you are still hanging around at the funeral home or not.  I really wish  you were here right now, Anthony misses you so much and so does everyone else.  I really wish there was away I could talk to you and stuff.  Oh well.   Happy Birthday Dad!!!!

Well Mark It’s been two months yesterday since you died. It’s been rough for me and I’m sure mom too. I’ve stared to dream about you lately, I wonder if that’s you telling me everything is ok now? The other night I had a dream that you were sitting near me and some woman was looking for you. You told her “I’m right fing here, everything’s fine now leave me alone”. That sounds like you when you are annoyed. I still wonder why this happened to you, I wonder if you just gave up on life since you have not really had a life for the past few years. I read about other people who had transplants due to alcohol abuse and were so sick but yet pulled through. I wonder why they pulled through and you did not. I still can’t really wrap my head around that. Mom seems to think that you knew you were not going to make it at Thanksgiving. Did you know that? I really wish you would have said something. I really feel guilty at times because I don’t think you really knew how much you were loved by everyone. I guess it was kinda hard to know that when we are not touchy feely people. Well Mark, I hope you are up there looking down on us and keeping us safe. Know that you were loved my many and you are sorely missed by us too.

I will expand upon my UGGG later…. I just needed to sream for a second….I’ll be back….

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So do any of you watch Rub*y?  It’s a show were this woman has lost tons of weight through diet and exercise?  It’s also about finding her demons and how to deal with them.  She has an eating disorder hence she was close to 700 pounds.  Watching this show has brought up some issues with me.  I’m a big girl and I know my eating habits are not great, but I wasn’t always big.  I was tiny until I was 6, something happened at that age.  I can’t tell you what, cause I can’t remember that age.  Ruby also has no memories of her child hood.  The memories I do have are bits and pieces here and there and I have to tell you there are not happy ones.  I can’t really remember to many happy times in my childhood.  There is a reason I eat the way I do, I really want to get to the bottom of it.  Last night was the season finale of the show, it had me in tears the whole time because of things that were said.  They rung WAY to close to home for me.  So I’m wondering how do I go about finding out what happened to me as a kid?  Should I find out? I have just so many memories all of the sudden popping in my head they are scaring me.  They are not nice at all.  The one person who could answer a lot of these questions for me is now dead.  My dad and I did talk years back about some of this, but now I have more questions.

Last night was a rough one.  I guess I was able to finally process what has been going on and I cried.  This whole freaking thing does not make sense.  I have no idea how my dad got brain damage.  Was it from a fall he had in the hospitial? They did a cat scan then and everything was fine.  Did he have a weak area at the brain stem for all of the amoania attacks he had? I mean what the hell happened? He has 54, to freaking young to go. He had many more things left to do in life.  Did he give up at Thanksgiving? Mom said he knew then that he was not going to make it. He told her he loved her and thanked her for taking care of him.  Would things have been different if they did the transplant earlier? I’m just having a hard time understanding why this all went down.  I believe in God but right now I’m mad. I don’t understand any of this.  I guess this is all part of the process of accepting he’s gone.  I have to say this really freaking bites.

Well there is no other way to put it.  My dad died on April 15, 2010 at 6:15 am.  He did it his way and just stopped breathing.  Funeral is tomorrow and that bites.  I love you Dad….